Trigger warning: this post contains descriptions of bullying and racism.
Sometimes I don’t understand people…
I just finished watching “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood” (great movie, by the way – awesome movie). And it occurs to me that we are just not nice a lot of the time.
Recently, I got into a conversation on Facebook with someone. We clearly did not agree, but the topic itself wasn’t so serious that two people couldn’t discuss it civilly.
And then the snark began. As I usually do, particularly when having a discussion with someone I don’t know, I reread my posts more than once before hitting “enter” to make sure I was not being rude. You don’t have to be an English major to know that “I feel like that dress is too low cut for a corporate event” is not rude, while “she looks like a shameless hussy in that dress” is. I mean, am I missing something?
I questioned the person with whom I was having the discussion several times on why he felt the need to be mean and nasty, when I, in fact, was going out of my way not to do so? But it just kept getting nastier. The last time I got a notification that he had tagged me in a response, I ignored it.
I was bullied my entire school life. Every day, I came home from school crying because someone teased or bullied me about my clothes, my eyes, or my teeth. At home, my father couched his bullying in Don Rickles “comedy,” but it was still nasty. That being said, I always heard “kids will be kids.” This gave me the impression that once people grew up, the need to “pick on” or insult others no longer existed.
How wrong I was!
I’ve been bullied most of my adult life. I regularly allow people to take advantage of and exploit me, much to the chagrin of people who really care about me. The thing is, I KNOW bullying. I take special care to NOT call people names, insult their intelligence, or criticize their mother, if I’m attempting to have a genuine conversation. But it appears no one else cares about that, and if you call them out on it, YOU are the asshole.
It’s bizarre – it’s as if people don’t really know what they say. Someone called my husband a “Spic” on social media a couple of years ago. Not long after that, they ran into each other somewhere, and this guy was all up in the “Hey, how ya doin?” Are you for real? Do you not remember calling my husband the Latino equivalent of the “n” word?
And I sincerely wonder – did he? Did he remember? Or did it just fly off his fingers in some sort of quick response? And if that was the case, well, still – is that what he thought?
In any event, it appears that we no longer care what we say behind the keyboard, even though we’re not truly hiding from anyone. I recently had a conversation with someone whose attitude could have really hurt him professionally, and we were on a site that would definitely have members in his professional field. When I pointed that out, *I* was the nasty one.
By no means am I suggesting that we walk around on eggshells not speaking our minds or our thoughts – or that we allow those thoughts to be dominated by anyone else. But it is not necessary to be snide or snarky right out of the box, particularly in a forum with many people you don’t know.
Mean what you say, say what you mean, but don’t say mean. I dated a man who said that frequently, although I know it wasn’t his originally. It’s true, though. And no one is saying we can’t be direct. I once wore a dress to a friend’s house. He said when I walked in, “I just want you to know that dress makes you look a little heavy.” Not “You look like a cow in that dress.”
We act in certain ways around our bosses, because if we didn’t, they’d fire us. What if we had a disagreement with our voice and felt compelled to share our opinion? How would we phrase that?
Think about it – when you’re involved in a discussion with other people, and you don’t agree, what if the last thing you said were to be engraved on your headstone? I don’t know if the person above would be happy – nor his family – if “You’re a f**ing Spic” was there, do you?
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say mean.
Words hurt – whether they person you’ve directed them at knows you or not, seeing someone insult them is hurtful. Why be hurtful? Why not just be kind?
Don’t take my word for it – look it up.
Love,
Lili